My Heart Is Open
by thegleekiest
Summary: It was during ballet rehearsal that Rachel Berry realized she was dying.


**I've been working on this for months, so there's going to be a lot of pieces that don't match up to how season 2 left off. Also, I'm obviously not a doctor. I'm not going to pretend I know what I'm talking about. A lot of this probably makes very little sense in the actual medical world, so don't over think it.**

**...**

It was during ballet rehearsal that Rachel Berry realized she was dying.

Although most of her life had been spent battling a crushing war with being a loser, not having a boyfriend (or, more specifically, not having the boyfriend she_ wanted_, and having dreams that were too big and too unlikely, Rachel knew this time she wasn't dying of embarrassment of heartbreak or disappointment. She was _dying_.

She felt her heart wheeze, like it was giving up, and she hit the floor.

Her dad's came and picked her up, both of them, which was unusual, and promised her doctors appointments and different medications but Rachel didn't need a doctor to tell her anything.

She was dying, and she knew it.

...

Being born with a hole in her heart was hell enough. But when surgeon's didn't patch it up correctly? Rachel didn't understand until she was at least 10, but that's only because she refused to comprehend it. Shortened life? Pills, checkups, blood tests? Sick girls weren't on Broadway, so Rachel wasn't sick, right?

"This is ridiculous," She says as she rubs her fingers across the hospital gown the doctor gave her to change into. "I feel fine. I was dehydrated at ballet; it's nothing to worry about."

"We still have the right to be concerned," Dad 1 said.

Rachel had two dads, and she loved them more than anything in the whole wide world. However, things were difficult. Her dads didn't want her getting confused when she was little, so they labeled themselves Dad 1 and Dad 2. As Rachel grew up, she discovered more and more how dysfunctional it was, but they refused to be called by their first names, fearing it would mature Rachel too quickly.

As if having a hole in her heart didn't mature her too quickly to begin with.

Rachel spends the rest of the day going through different tests, making sure everything is running as smoothly as possible. They'll get a call if anything's wrong, and she convinces herself nothing will be wrong. Rachel's never sick, aside from this and a short stint with laryngitis in her sophomore year.

That was two years ago; senior year was running smoother than ever, seeing as New Directions had already placed first at Regionals and were preparing for the state-wide competition. Rachel was the star of New Directions, her high school glee club. She would even go as far as to say New Directions would be...well, directionless without her, but she wouldn't want to sound too confident. There were a few other stand outs...and some duds. But Rachel wasn't complaining completely. She was happy with their club most times, even more so now that they'd been winning. Rachel Berry did not like losing.

...

The Berry's were eating dinner when the phone rang. No one wanted to get up and answer it because it was inevitable who it was. In the end, Dad 2 answered the phone just before it was finished ringing.

Rachel put her fork down. Suddenly she wasn't hungry at all, nor thirsty. She stared at her nails. It was really time for a manicure. She desperately wished she had a girl friend to go with, someone who would help her pick out a color and laugh at the celebrity magazines. However Rachel's relationships only included her boyfriend of 2 years, Finn Hudson (who had somewhat boosted her popularity, but not by much; rather, she made him less popular), minuscule friendships with Mercedes Jones, Tina Cohen-Chang, and Kurt Hummel, ex-relationships with Noah Puckerman and Jesse St. James, and a frienemy-ship with Quinn Fabray. Rachel supposed she could go with Quinn, if it was a good day, but it would be awkward and forced, just as it would be with Mercedes, Tina, or Kurt, and she could never take Finn; he would be bored. Rachel pictured herself walking into the nail salon, picking out the same color as always, and sitting by herself, her phone on her lap waiting for a text message or a call from someone, anyone, but it never buzzed, only occasionally, and those were always from either Finn or her dads.

Dad 2 calls for Dad 1, and Rachel knows it's bad. Her throat runs dry and she stands up and gets herself a glass of water. She looks out the window and it's dark already, and she drinks the water quickly, and then gets herself glass after glass and she's downed about 10 glasses of water by the time she turns around and her dad's are there, and they're taking her to the kitchen table and they're sitting her down and they're crying and she's not crying, she's just so _thirsty _and she can't be here right now and she can't watch her dad's cry and she doesn't know how she'll be able to tell Finn, or Mr. Schuester, or anyone in the glee club for that matter that her doctor said if she wants to prolong her life, she should rest more instead of activities, and that includes singing and dancing and now she's crying and she runs upstairs and slams her door shut and she feels like all that water is sloshing around in her stomach.

It would take an ocean to quench her thirst.

...

She doesn't tell anyone, but it feels like everyone knows.

She sees people looking at her in the hall and she gets scared for no reason. As if people would really care that Rachel Berry was dying. They'd celebrate. They'd be joyous that she was dead because then they'd get a shot with Finn, and they'd be rid of her annoyingness.

During class a teacher asks Rachel the answer to the question and everyone looks at her.

She feels like everyone knows.

...

"Ok guys, we're starting off glee club with a very special announcement from Quinn!"

Rachel watches as Quinn stands in front of the glee club, thinner than ever after losing all of her baby weight, blonde and beautiful in her Cheerios uniform.

"I'm having a party at my house this Friday and," She sighs like it's killing her. "The entire glee club is invited. You're all welcome to bring a," She smirks. "Date."

After glee club, Finn and Rachel walk to the parking lot together. Finn usually drives her home in his old beat up car.

"So, what do you think about Quinn's party on Friday? Do you...wanna go?"

Rachel knows there's no way her dad's would allow it. She can barely do her 30 minute morning exercises (now cut to 15 minutes, for obvious reasons), much less attend a wild party, as popular kids were known to do so (Rachel thought. It happened in all the movies).

But on the other hand...Rachel had never been invited to a party of this caliber. And who knew if she would ever be invited to another one again? What's the matter with saying she was heading to Tina's house for a movie night? Nothing.

"I'd love to, Finn," She said, and wrapped her arm around his waist and leaned in to him and she felt like crying because she would miss him.

...

"Thank you for driving me home, Finn. Very gentlemanly of you."

Finn rolls his head to the right and smiles at Rachel. Sure, she's kinda crazy and critical but he knows it's usually because she's looking out for him, and some of her better traits make up for the insanity, like her singing voice and baking talent and her beauty. Finn knew it was lame to like Rachel but he did; and more. He might even love her.

"Did you have a good time?" He asks.

"Oh yes, the party was...lovely," Rachel says, using the vocabulary of a person a little too in love with their thesaurus. "I'm just kind of...tired."

"What?" Finn says, laughing. "Rachel Berry, tired? I never thought I'd see the day..."

"Glee club, homework, preparing for college...It can be hard work. You know that, especially with football and basketball and baseball."

Finn takes her hand and draws circles with his index finger in her palm. He wants her; he always has, but tonight especially. The moon reflects off Rachel's hair and shines in her eyes and he would like nothing more than to hold her and let it mean something for her, and let it mean something for him.

"I'm really glad we're spending this time together, Finn," Rachel says.

"I love spending time with you."

He feels her pulse in her fingertips and she turns her face away from him. They don't talk the rest of the way home.

When they arrive at Rachel's house, she finally looks at him, and he wishes he could read her mind because he never knows with Rachel Berry. He kisses her but it doesn't last because she pulls away.

"I feel sick right now, Finn," She says and he hears something scary in her voice, and she quietly steps out of his car and walks to her front door, rubbing her arms like she's freezing.

Finn checks the temperature. 78 degrees.

...

Rachel spends the rest of her night with her face in the toilet.

She hates these nights; the ones where all she can do is vomit and cry while her dad's hold her hair back, nobody getting any sleep. She'd like to think she's sick on this special night because of all the medicine she's on and simply the side effects of a slow, painful, early death, which is heartbreaking enough, but she knows there's something more to it.

It's the way he looked at her, like he knew, like he wanted her to just say it, like he missed her. His eyes flash in her mind and she goes back in for some more delicious dry-heaving.

She hears her phone vibrating on the bathroom floor and she can't even bring herself to look at his name flashing on the screen.

...

Monday morning, Finn sees Rachel walking down the hall. He hasn't seen her since Friday and his blood runs cold because she looks like hell.

"Rachel?" He says, walking in front of her. "What happened to you?"

"Nothing," She says. "Just a...little...cold. Seasonal allergies, it's springtime, you know. Very common in Ohio, actually."

"You don't get sick, Rachel. Are you okay? I haven't heard from you all weekend, I thought we had plans."

Rachel squeezes her eyes shut.

"I am...truly sorry, Finn, I completely forgot. I was...out of town, this weekend in...New York, yeah, my father's wanted me to...see Julliard, of course, one quick visit before I move in in August, it came as a total surprise. I left my cell phone behind."

"Oh...well, ok. That's cool. Are you coming to glee club?"

"Oh, yes, I'll be there for sure." She says, the lack of enthusiasm in her voice almost disgusting.

They say goodbye and Finn replays the conversation in his head all day. Rachel seemed sincere enough, but that stuff about allergies, New York...it just didn't seem to add up.

...

At glee club, Rachel doesn't stand next to him like she usually does, and it hurts for some weird reason. She only does this when she's mad at him, which he's almost certain she's not.

It's a performance day and every one has one their costumes. The auditorium is freezing and he watches as Rachel wraps her sweater around herself, standing in the lights as if they'll warm her.

"Hey Rach," He says as he walks up to her and wraps his arms around her.

"Don't touch me," She screams as she pulls away from his arms. His stomach sinks.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," She says quieter this time. Everyone is watching. He's so embarrassed.

"Look, Rachel, you've been acting really weird lately and I'm your boyfriend. Shouldn't you, like, tell me if something's bothering you?"

"Nothing is wrong, Finn. Please, let's just get through this rehearsal."

It's when Rachel faints in the middle of the number that Finn tells her he can't wait anymore, and in the McKinley High School parking lot, she begs him not to be mad and the rain isn't the only thing that makes him shiver.

...

Finn doesn't go to school for a few days, and neither does Rachel, and not many people ask questions because now it's going around the school. Finn makes up some sick bullshit so his mom let's him stay home, but he knows she knows.

It rains for days and days and he just lays in bed and looks out the window. He just wants to call her and let her know that they'll be ok, that she'll be ok, but he doesn't know that any of that's true.

Puck calls him a few times, but he doesn't feel like talking much. Kurt stands outside his bedroom door and asks him questions, like how he's feeling and if he wants a facial scrub or herbal tea, but he always says no. He doesn't even talk to his mom.

He feels himself breaking away piece by piece. If this is how you prepare for someone to die, he doesn't want to know.

...

When Rachel walks in to school on Thursday, everyone looks at her weird. Sure, people did that before, but even more so now with word going around school, and that ugly pale skin tone she's currently sporting.

Finn doesn't come to school.

In glee club, nobody really says anything. She sees the way they look at her, and she wants to just die right there on the spot.

Sometimes she wishes it would just happen; that she wouldn't have to keep suffering these days and weeks and months. She feels herself getting weaker and she doesn't want to be able to know that feeling.

Quinn sits next to her, her legs crossed.

"How's Finn?" She asks, like it's the most nonchalant thing in the entire world to discuss.

"I haven't seen him since Monday. We...didn't really get the chance to have a conversation. He was very...upset."

"So you haven't even talked to him?" Quinn barks, almost laughing. "Don't be a loser, Rachel."

Her veins feel like ice and she can hear her heartbeat in her ears. _Boom Boom Boom_.

"His mother would prefer if we talked things out at school, when he can actually talk and-"

"I know you're dying and everything, but...Finn is a really good guy. And he deserves more than this."

"It's difficult, Quinn-"

"Save it, Rachel."

Never has anyone actually gotten up from where they were sitting to move away from Rachel, but today, Quinn Fabray changes that. Rachel has never wanted to cry so hard in her life.

Mr. Schuester gives her a look of such sympathy, she almost gets up and moves away from herself.

...

Friday Morning, Finn walks into school. He feels like he's 5 years old. He sees Rachel across the hall and wants to walk up to her, to explain to her that he's so, so, so sorry but she walks away before he has the chance.

In class he's tired and unresponsive and he doesn't want to talk to anyone, which only makes it worse that people keep patting him on the back like he's the tallest baby alive. He eats his lunch off his lap in a bathroom stall and he wonders when he became such an idiot.

When he decides he probably should make an appearance at glee club, he's not the first person in the choir room. Various people have already arrived and are singing and talking and laughing. Finn sits in one of the plastic chairs and stares at the floor.

"Finn?" Mr. Schuester stands in front of him, and his voice sounds like an echo. "Can you come to my office for a sec?"

"Sure, Mr. Schue," He says, picking up his backpack and swinging it over his shoulder.

He sits down in the polyester chair and rubs his forehead.

"How are you doing?" He asks, "Any problems?"

"Not really," Finn says. "Just kind of...overwhelmed"

Mr. Schuester crosses his arms, then uncrosses, then recrosses.

"Maybe...you should just stop seeing Rachel for awhile."

"But I like her," He says like a total moron. "Rachel is my friend. She needs me right now."

"Which is perfectly fine," Mr. Schuester says. "Rachel is a _great_ friend to have. I just don't know if she should really be seeing anyone right now."

Finn just nods, because it's easy, and then he stands up and walks back into the choir room.

By the end of the day he's never been so happy to see his bed, and like the glee club loser he is, he sobs into his pillow as Kurt knocks on the door, asking if he wants some hot chocolate.

...

Rachel laid her cell phone beside her pillow that night. She just wanted _something_; a call, an email, even a text would be okay. Finn didn't talk to her all day; didn't even try. She knows she should've made more of an effort but she's the one that's dying, not him, for God's sake.

She runs a hand through her hair and lays down and closes her eyes and thinks of him. Of the time they drove to Cleveland to see a basketball game even though she didn't even really like basketball, of how they always go to get smoothie's on Wednesdays and how he absolutely hated bees because of an "allergy". She remembers how he never liked to talk about glee club, and liked seeing movies, and preferred root beer from a glass bottle.

It's then that Rachel knows she loves him; not just a high school crush or a fling or a simple relationship. She loves him.

In the morning, Rachel lifts her head from her pillow and notices handfuls of hair lay on her pillowcase. She runs her hand through her hair. Fistfuls.

"Daddy!" She screams, hyperventilating, crying, clutching her hair in her hand.

...

"Your body is shutting down, but with your level of hyperactivity and the way you push yourself...It's confused. It's just natural."

Rachel feels her cheeks get warm and her chest get tight and she cries and cries and cries and she never knew this would happen. She never knew that she would lose her hair. She has a hole in her heart, not cancer. This is a dream.

In the car her father's tell her that she won't be going to school anymore.

"What about Julliard?" She screams, desperately trying to brush the falling hair off of her shoulders.

The car is silent, and from the backseat Rachel buries her face in her hands and sobs as loose hair falls into her lap.

...

Three weeks and no call. Three weeks.

Finn opens his phone to check, just in case. Maybe he missed a voicemail, or he didn't hear it ring. Nothing.

Rachel Berry is absent from everything. She took a "temporary leave of absence" from school, and her Facebook disappeared. Sometimes he hears people talking about her. Some say they see her when they volunteer at the hospital, others say she's locked up in her house.

It kills him that he doesn't even know.

Months start swirling in time. Finn graduates and begins packing his bags for college. He works at the local movie theater. He plays basketball and football every once in awhile with Puck. He actually spends time with Kurt. He has a couple casual hook-ups.

But he can't stop thinking about her. She always ends up in his mind and every night, he just cries. Sometimes he's not even sad but it just happens. He feels like such a pussy, but he bawls his eyes out, sometimes for no reason at all.

It isn't until Christmas Eve that he sees her.

He's back from college, and while the Hummel-Hudson family originally planned on visiting Kurt in New York, it was too much of a complication and the whole family was re-routed back to Lima. They decide to go out to breakfast to celebrate the sons successes. Finn doesn't even cry anymore. Sometimes he doesn't even remember what she looks like.

He doesn't recognize her at first. She's wearing a silk scarf wrapped around her head; he doesn't remember anything about her having cancer, but he is sure she is bald under the scarf. No holiday sweater, no plaid skirt. She looks chic, and he's thrown off by the entire look. Same smile, skinnier face. Not the same person.

His hands start to shake when he realizes who he's staring at. He wraps his arms around himself; he gets cold all of a sudden, and then hot, and then cold again. Why can't he breathe? He doesn't even remember. He feels sick all of a sudden.

"You okay, buddy?" Burt, his step-dad, says.

"Fine!" He says, unfolding his arms too quick, knocking over a glass of water. It slams against the table and shatters. Glass shards, ice, and freezing water land all over him.

"Finn!" Kurt shouts. She looks.

"Sorry! Sorry!" He says, picking up the broken glass off his lap. His hand is bleeding, and he realizes a cut extends from his index finger, across his palm to the base of his thumb. A shard of glass is lodged inside.

"You're bleeding!" His mom exclaims. The restaurant is up in arms.

He stops moving, stares at the cut. He never was good with blood. He jumps up, trying to escape as quickly as possible. He feels light-headed.

"Um, I'm going to...run to the bathroom..." He stammers. He walks briskly out of the room. He still can't breathe. She looked at him like he was a total idiot. He's beyond embarrassed.

He paces the bathroom a few times, and when he hears the door open he freezes. He's leaving a trail of blood on the floor.

"Lemme see," Rachel says, taking his hand.

With this lighting, he gets a better view of the gash. It's pretty repulsive, but he can't even feel anything anymore cause she's touching him.

She examines for a few minutes, then takes a pair of tweezers out of her purse.

"What are you doing?" He shouts, but it's too late. Within seconds, she's pulled out the glass, and is holding it in the air, covered in blood.

...

He wakes up on the restaurant floor. His hand is wrapped in a blood soaked napkin and his head is in Rachel's lap.

"Why am I here..." He says, his hand throbbing. Nothing makes sense and he wonders if he's in high school again.

"You passed out when Rachel pulled the glass out of your palm. It's okay, we called an ambulance," Kurt says with intense enthusiasm.

An ambulance for probably a few stitches. His stomach sinks. This is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to him without a doubt.

"Are you serious?" He says.

"We weren't going to originally, but when you threw up in your unconscious state, it was more of a given."

He feels like his throat is closing up. He wishes he could just die right there. He might go into shock just out of pure shame.

The ambulance arrives and as the paramedics and Rachel Berry help to "escort" him out, he breathes into the air and sees his breath.

"I can see my breathing out here," He says to her, and she thinks he's delusional.

"Me too." She says quietly.

"Talk to me," He says, and he notices there's blood all over him. He's still woozy. He probably is delusional. "Why'd ya stop talking to me, back in high school?"

She doesn't respond. The paramedic tries to get him in the ambulance. He doesn't move.

"Why did you never call me back?" He feels exasperated. He starts crying. He knows he's delusional now. "Why, why, why!"

"You should probably go to the hospital now," She whispers. She can't even look at him.

"I love you!" He shouts as they lay him down in the ambulance, strapping him in, probably afraid he'll try to chase after her. "I love you I love you I love you!"

...

He's in a hospital bed now. He's clothes are still bloody. Kurt is reading a People magazine.

"What the fuck," Finn says, his hand wrapped so thickly in gauze it could've been a cast.

"Were you drinking this morning or something? Still hungover from last night's frat party maybe?" Kurt says, looking up from over the magazine. "You really gave the performance of your life."

"Shit...what did I do? I don't even remember," He says, trying to piece things back together. He doesn't even remember waking up this morning.

"Just made a fool of yourself in front of an entire restaurant...Oh, and Rachel Berry."

Kurt goes in to story-teller mode, recounting the "hilarious" story of Finn's injury.

"It's not even fair," Finn whines. "I'm afraid of blood. I wasn't even in the right state of mind. I can't believe I said that shit to her."

"She probably understood. They put you on some pretty heavy sedatives on your ride over here to shut you up. Apparently you kept screaming at them. They think you got a concussion when you hit your head on the bathroom floor."

He feels like his brain is rolling around in his head, like it's disconnected or something.

"She probably hates me."

"I don't know, Finn. She seemed pretty sincere. After the ambulance fiasco she sat in her car and cried her eyes out. It was like something out of a movie," Kurt sighs. "But anyways, if you're both in town, you should pursue it. She seems well enough."

"I...I just feel like I have a million thoughts going on right now..." He says, his mind racing like NASCAR. "She has a fatal heart condition. It's not about...being well, or being okay. She doesn't want attachments, she didn't _want_ me in high school, she doesn't want me _ever_."

"Oh, come on, Finn. What happened to that hopeless romantic side of you? You haven't had a girlfriend since Rachel. You're boring!"

The doctor says he can leave, and Kurt drives him home. He leans his head against the window and it's cold, and he takes a deep breath, and he thinks he doesn't want to be himself anymore.

...

He wakes up in his bed at home, in Ohio, and it reminds him of when he got his wisdom teeth taken out. All the lights are dimmed and it's raining outside. He doesn't want to get up but his legs feel like they haven't moved in a long time and he hears voices in his living room.

He shuffles out of his room, his feet are freezing.

"Mom?" He calls. "Are you home?"

"Downstairs, honey!"

It has to be a dream. He feels like he's floating down the stairs when he sees her sitting on the family couch, and he starts having flashbacks to a time when they made out on that couch, when they watched movies and talked and laughed. He feels his heart sink. He doesn't want this.

"What is she doing here?" He says, and he knows it sounds more vicious than he wanted it to do.

Her face drops, wide eyed, full of love.

"She just wanted to see how you are. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm not sick. I have a concussion. It's not a big deal. I got them a million times in football," He says. _Why am I so mean?_ "You know how I am when I have a concussion. I'm the same person."

His mom twists her hands together. She'll leave them alone, she says. He knows she can hear from the kitchen.

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," She whispers. She doesn't look at him. She never can. "I'll go."

"You don't have to go," He says. He's wearing Frosted Flakes pajama pants. He doesn't even know where he got these.

"Did you mean what you said?" She says, and she's crying. "The other day, you said, 'I love you'. Did you mean it?"

His stomach drops, or it's in his throat. He can't tell. He doesn't know what to say. For once, Finn Hudson doesn't know what to say to her.

"No," It comes out, short, quick. "I mean...I don't know. You know I don't know. I don't remember anything from that day."

She looks out the window. She doesn't stand up. She still sits on the ugly floral couch and cries.

"I know you want more from me," He says. "But I don't have anything left. It felt like I was waiting forever. I don't know what...I'm..." His head throbs.

She doesn't look at him anymore. She picks up her purse and walks out.

He watches her go.

...

Dinner is quiet that night. Her dad's don't ask about what she did that morning. She doesn't like when they ask questions anymore.  
>"Rachel, could you clean out the DVR recordings? We're running out of space."<p>

"Sure."

Nothing else is said. She excuses herself.

Rachel's room has become a haven. She's redecorated 8 or 9 times in the past 6 months because she's always bored. Her father's don't like her leaving the house. They're afraid she'll contract pneumonia or some other airborne ailment that might speed up her "process".

She wants to call him. She wants to fix things. She knows it won't be the same. She knows how he feels now. But his feelings never stopped her in the past. Why should they stop her now?

No, the new, more demure Rachel wouldn't. She couldn't.

Somehow her brain doesn't stop her fingers and she dials his number one last time.

...

He doesn't ever want to forget the way she looked that night.

The moon glowed off her skin. She was beautiful. She was always beautiful.

"I want to be with you," He whispers. "Forever."

Her heart swelled with love and if she had to die, right then, she wouldn't mind.

...

"Smile!"

"I don't like pictures!"

Finn plays with the camera on his phone, trying to get a picture of her. It's hard. She looks like a ghost and she won't look at the camera. It doesn't matter, really.

She takes his hand. It feels like high school all over again. Snow falls as they walk through the outdoor mall.

"Let's go in here," He says, pointing towards a jewelery store. Rachel is hesitant, but follows his lead.

"Do you like this?" She says, pointing out a ring. It's a diamond and has a small star carved into the gold band.

"Yeah," He says, smiling. He lets her admire the ring as he walks up to a saleswoman.

"I'm here to pick up that order," He says, "Under Hudson?"

"Of course, Mr. Hudson. Just a moment."

He pretends to look at other things. Watches. He listens as Rachel asks if they have any more rings like it. No, this one is specialty made, one of a kind.

The woman returns with the ring box. He writes a check.

They leave together. He waits until they're standing in front of the large, decorated Christmas tree in the center of the mall.

"Rachel," He says. "I know we're young, and I know...I know that you're sick, but it doesn't have to be that way. We have something special, right?"

She looks up at him. "Yes..."

He gets down on one knee.

"Then marry me."

He shows her the ring, the one she loved so much. Her eyes fill with tears. He smiles. He knows where this is going.

"Finn..." She says, quietly. "It's Christmas Eve, Finn."

"I know how much you love Christmas...I wanted this to be perfect. For you."

"I..." She looks around. Everyone is watching. Someone pulls out their camera.

"I can't...I'm sorry, I just can't."

She turns to run away. He grabs her hand.

"Please," He says. "Please don't do this to me. I'm in love with you."

She runs.

...

He sits on the couch with his knees pulled to his chest. It's an awkward position for someone so tall, but he does it anyway. He's seen it enough times in sad movies.

Kurt opens gift after gift; Alexander McQueen boots, some Lady Gaga thing. He squeals with excitement after each unwrapping like a little kid.

"Thank you so much Dad and Carol. This is...more than I could've ever asked for." Kurt gives them both a long hug, and they gush approval. Kurt is fine. Kurt is not depressed. Kurt never let that dangerous and almost fatal bullying get to him. Kurt's all good.

"Well...Finn...are you going to open your presents?" His mom asks, patting his back.

"Yeah, Finn, don't worry, we got you both the same amount," Burt says with a laugh, handing him an envelope. "Here, you'll like this one."

It's two Cleveland Browns tickets. Him and Burt will go together. He smiles.

"This is great, Burt. Thank you."

The phone rings.

"I'll get it!" Kurt says. "It's probably grandma."

"Hello?...Oh my...I'm so sorry...This is so sudden...I'll let him know...Our thoughts are with you, Mr. Berry."

He knows. He knows he knows he knows and his stomach drops and he freezes, the tickets are still in his hands and he wonders if everyone would be okay with him kicking over the Christmas tree. _She died of a broken heart._

"She died," Kurt says, and he throws the tickets and he runs out the door and he's wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt and no shoes and he runs, he runs and runs until all he can see is the snow blurring in his eyes.

...

Everything starts to move in slow motion.

All the ornaments on the Christmas tree shattered when he pushed it over when he got home from his Christmas run. His toes were starting to turn purple and he's almost 60% sure he has a mild case of hypothermia. None of the gifts were ruined, but Christmas was, and nobody talked at dinner, which was burned.

Finn dropped his fork. His heart was beating so fast he couldn't breathe.

He thinks about what she looked like, when she died. He thinks of crossed eyes and green skin. He thinks of limp arms and her bald head.

"May I be excused?"

"No," Burt says, still angry from the tree. "We're enjoying a delicious Christmas dinner that your mother prepared for us. Thank you, honey," He says, taking her hand.

"I'm going to throw up."

He goes to the bathroom, even though Burt didn't excuse him. He throws up twice and looks in the mirror. He can't even see himself. He has a cut on his forehead and his hand is still wrapped in gauze.

He sits in the bathroom for awhile. His toothbrush is upstairs, and his mouth tastes like acid. His mom knocks.

"Finn? Are you okay?"

"No!" He yells.

He listens as Kurt tries to break the ice, talking about college in New York and Broadway shows and he throws up again just thinking about the dorm room decorated with gold stars and a pink bedspread that was left empty at Julliard.

...

The funeral is lame. He feels bad thinking about it like that, but it's shabbily put together with no heart.

Lots of Lima Losers show up; Brittany, who's still in high school comes, and she wears her Cheerios uniform. Mr. Schuester comes. He wears a black vest and still talks in metaphors and cheesy one-liners.

"So, how's the show choir down at college?" Mr. Schuester says, giving Finn a pat on the arm.

"I don't know. I'm not involved. I'm there on a football scholarship."

His face drops.

"Oh, well...maybe they'll need another member come spring. I'm sure very show choir needs extra voices."

Finn walks away, giving a nice fake smile. It's the least he could do.

He's approached before the service begins by a teary eyed Mr. Berry. He asks him to say a few words, that it was in Rachel's plans. Of course. She always wanted everyone at her funeral to 'say a few words'.

He agrees, but he doesn't know what he'll say. When it's his time, he realizes winging finals was easy, but winging a speech at a funeral is not.

"I wasn't expecting to give a speech today," He says. Sad or funny? Romantic or platonic? "I guess Rachel wanted me to say a few words in her honor."

He stares out at the teary audience. He wishes he was drunk.

"Well...I just remember this one time. Rachel got to sing one of her favorite Barbra songs in glee club. I've never seen someone so happy. You would never think that someone like that could...be sick, and she never told me. She never told anyone. One time she made me a CD of all show tunes for my truck. She sang along to every one. She played it so many times that I know all the words now. I don't know why I'm telling you this."

He feels dizzy and he can't keep thinking about her, thinking about all the things she did and all the way she drove him crazy but they keep running through his head and he wishes he could just put his head to the side and knock it all out of his brain, like he had water in his ear.

"Rachel talked me in to buying a pair of Crocs...I never wear them. She also convinced me to buy a copy of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, which I also never read..." Why would he say that? "I guess...I don't know. I have a lot of her stuff. It still smells in my room. I can't get it out, actually. I Febreeze'd everything...it won't leave me alone. She won't leave me alone. I still have the engagement ring I bought her on my nightstand. It won't leave me alone."

He starts crying.

"I should stop. But, I loved her. I mean, we all do, right? She was great. Well, I'm done."

He thinks Rachel would've liked that. The tears, he thinks.

They bury her, and he watches the casket go down and he knows what he has to do. Sure, Rachel would've loved for him to drop on top of the casket and go down with her, but he has a more subtle idea.

He throws a rose over the casket and watches it go down. Yeah, Rachel would've loved a rose.

...


End file.
